ToolboxCounselling

One of the reasons l use Art with my counselling.

2010-07-21T23:32:00.001+01:00

One of the reasons l use Art in my counselling work, is because of the way it seems to unlock people's fear of being scared of their "issues". By that l mean, for example if a person is a self harmer, making Art will let them say things they can't express or are too scared to admit to themselves or family members. Making Art for therapy reasons, remember you don't need to be good at atr or be an artist , it is the doing that is important NOT the end product. The image below, is of a client making felt..not necessarily to make anything! Just the process can be fun and calming, and that, sometimes is all that it produces on the day but will help later on in the day when they are alone or maybe another session all together!

Often by the time, say an anorexia client finds me, he/she is fed up of talking and being controlled by doctors, therapists and family members. I find that if l give them no time limits to complete the "art "and say they can choice what ever medium they wish...you can see them visibly relax and will sstart to make Art. I realised early on, that time restritcions often made them panic and so trying to let them think, they controlled their time and space (although in theory l do!), they actually started to open up and make Art. They could make a journal or maybe a timetable that THEY would like to keep to, rather than been told to keep to.

One client, drew, painted and made clay images of clocks, one after the other for weeks until she felt she had gain control of her time again.
Journals are an amazing way to help you each day, to sort out your problems, thoughts, ask yourself questions and so on. They do not have to be pretty, neat or organised..they are for you. Yes, there is a journalling network out there and on the net, that makes beautiful journals and they are great but not necessarily right for what my clients need them for.
The image below, is one l took, to try and explain what a patient was feeling but couldn't explain, as she stuttered all the time and gave up before she could say what it was she felt . As soon as she saw it.."that's it..l feel as though l am not seeing the world as everyone else. I feel as if there is something between us, and l am not seening or being seen properly"!

Below, is an image one of my clients took with my camera, to help her to give up smoking. She had a copy in her hangbag, her purse, in the bathroom, in fact any where she had smoked in the past. She said this image reminded her, of the 3 packs a days, she used to smoke! and the money she had wasted!

I admit, Art isn't always the answer but it can be a great ice breaker. Adults often say they can't make Art and l find the reason they feel like that, was because of something they wdere told as children! Maybe a primary teacher or later an Art teacher told them they would NEVER be any good at Art and more than likely in front of the whole class and/or on their school report! I know l was told the same and it really can stay with you for life. Anyone can make Art..there is no right or wrong way, it is a personal thing, no-one else needs to see it, if you don't want them to. You can destroy it as soon as you have finished it or you could keep it for a while or give it to your therapist for safe keeping. Making Art often enables you to see things more clearly or maybe is just away for you to start to relax and then be able to start to talk.
The image below is a piece of silkpainting, which is a medium a lot of my clients find, very calming and often do some just before a "talking" session.

At this moment, maybe l need to say what "Making" Art means. A few marks on a page, one colour drawn all over a page, moulding clay into a ball or even just cutting up a piece of paper and arranging on a page..is makingArt.

Another Art activity l sometimes use is called "An Image Board". There are several ways to use this board, one way is to put images on it of what you want from life, ( which is the usual way it is used), I also use it for my clients to see, what their issues actually are or what is stopping them from moving on. It does NOT have to be tidy or cut or arranged perfectly. It is just another aid to helping you see your issues more clearly. Below is an example of one, which was made to remind the client, of what they would like to achieve in this life. I encourage my clients to spend maxium 15 mins at home or at my rooms, for collecting their images and then, when with me, spend max of 20 mins making this board. The reason being. l don't want the client to spend excessive time on it, because then they over think it and it doesn't work.

My Art Activities are nothing serious or difficult...just fun, as well as hopefully helping you to sort out some issues. For example, making a mask is easy and fun but can change how a person reacts to you and to themselves.

Adults, once they realise that it doesn't matter if they feel they are making a fool of themselves, soon relax and forget they are playing with sand or making models with clay. Sometimes, l discover they were never allowed to play as children and so as soon as they realise they are in a "safe" place, they relax and have fun, drawing, getting messy with paint, squeezing playdough or just doodling with wax crayons.
Children are totally different to work with as far as making Art is concerned. I remember once hearing this story. A child was staying with her grandmother for the afternoon and asked why she was staying there? Granny told her that her mother had gone to an Art Lesson. The child looked surprised and relied, "Why? has she forgotten how to draw then"? Children can not understand that you have to learn how to draw, they just 'draw"! Great isn't it?!

Children tell you a lot about how they feel by their paintings. But you have to remember sometimes they just "draw"! I learnt this very early on, in my long career of working with children. Once l was working as a Nursery Nurse, in a family centre and was asked to pay special attention to a 5yr old boy, who was having trouble with divorcing parents and there was a suspicion he may also be, being abused. So l was looking at the painting he was painting, a large house, then quickly he painted it over with black panit. "Oh! Peter (not his real name) are you feeling sad?".."No, it is night time and l turned all the lights out"! Taught me a very good lesson....never to assume anything!Ha!

The after effects of a serious illness...in this case..a suspected heart attack!

2010-07-14T22:31:00.003+01:00

Hi...it has been ages since l wrote this blog. There was a big reason....my husband's heart attack and all that involved!. If someone had told me how knocked for six l would be over it, l don't think l would have believed them. Now don't get me wrong..l was scared, frighten, worried and that was how l expected to feel, it was the reactions later on that surprised me. I have decided to write this very personal piece because l hope it may help others.

I was scared to let him out of my sight, followed him around the flat, lay awake at night making sure he was asleep and not dead! I put my life on hold and waited..for what? I was scared he would die and then what would l do? and how would l manage? I was worried he might have a stroke like his dad had and how would l cope? Overnight my happy, lovely, fun-loving man had become old! I didn't know how to react. You feel you can't talk too much to your grown up children, because they have their lives and you don't a) want to worry them too much; and b) you don't want to sound like a moaning minnie! I don't have many close friends really, as l have moved around all my life, and so l often found myself talking to complete strangers about my worries!!!! It is normally me that listens to other people's troubles.
I found the simplest thing difficult to do, l couldn't concentrate on anything. I have depression, which l mostly keep under control but that went haywire too.
Sleep..not good at the best of times..very difficult! I wanted to be strong for Tony and the children but didn't know how to be..very strange situation for me, to find myself in. Tony slept a lot and when he was awake, was often bad tempered and frustrated. He had retired a few weeks before and this was NOT what he had expected.
Also, to make matters worse, we had problems with the NHS. We had to go to PALS (patients help line really l suppose) in the end to get to see anyone about presribed, remedial treatment for Tony. All VERY taxing and totally unacceptable in my view. To put so much stress on a Heart patient is just so wrong, in fact any seriously ill patient and their family!
Eventually things were sorted out and Tony started back on the road to recovery..there lies another problem for me! He wanted to ride his bike...NO WAY! How would l know where he was, if he need help? I seemed to have forgotten the use of the mobile phone etc! I wouldn't go out shopping in case he had an attack while l was out..wouldn't go and see people for coffee or start work again..in case he needed me!!!
I had to find a way round my fears and start to let Tony live and restart my life! Not easy. We are managing it now. We know that the sleeps Tony has every afternoon will not be forever and as he gets stronger through biking and walking, his moods will improve. The important thing l, as the viewer, have to learn is this. Tony is now funtioning well and he has to exercise...moderately...to get fit again. The problem is what does moderately mean to a man, who, was taught in the Army to work till you drop and then push through it? We are getting there but it is not easy fot the partner, wife, parent or children of someone who is very ill. You are not ill but their illness affects you greatly and in some ways more than the person who is ill!
The image below is Tony now..in the pub garden, enjoying a pint (shandy), rather than red wine, as it was so hot..and, as usual, on his iPhone!!

lynda x

Easter Eggs, Religion and my beliefs!

2010-04-05T02:29:00.000+01:00

Happy Easter to you all. I am not a Religious person but do consider myself a Spiritual individual. One of the reasons l enjoy Easter, apart from the plain chocolate Easter eggs!.... is the way it can bring families together.

Tony and I had a very enjoyable day today, as our eldest child, Jennifer came over for Sunday Lunch. My other child Andrew and his new wife Gemma, are travelling in South America for 3 months. Jenny brought with her a Green and Black's plain chocolate egg and a three ( yes l said 3!) different Green and Black plain chocolate bars. Yummy... but not really the reason for Easter l hear some people saying. This doesn't upset me but l can image it concerning some religious people. I know a lot of people who send Easter cards and go to church at Easter and are not at all religious normally. I suppose it is like Christmas, suddenly people go to Midnight Mass never showing any religious feeling at any other time of the year. Are they backing their chances of going to heaven when they die or is it something deeper? I often ask people why and l am quite often surprised in the replies l get. I remember last year having asked a mixed group of slightly drunk mid twenty year olds, why they were at Midnight Mass? Some of their answers were, " It sort of gives me a familar feeling and makes me feel better and not so far from home"( African student).." it makes me feel l will be ok for the next year"...." It feels right" ...."Well, it is what my parents did every year and so l just do it out of habit l suppose, but l do enjoy it"..."It is something to do to get Christmas started isn't it"..." I love the ceremony and granduar of it all" and the last one.." Well it makes me feel l have marked my card for the year, incase something happens to me !". Quite a mixture of answers and l was also quite interested, that not one of them went to church on Sunday as a norm. I remember the vicar saying, that he wished his Sunday Services were a quarter as full as this, on a normal Sunday! At this point l have to admit, l was there because l love the theatrical aspect of a High Church ceremony, especially the incense and the chanting! I don't feel guilty just enjoy the situation for what it is..high drama!
Christmas Day to me, when l was young was Church, presents, lunch, the Queen's speech, games and family. When l was a teenager, l taught Sunday School and sang in the choir but as l grew older, l found my own voice and realised l no longer believed in a God that sat in a chair in the sky and watched everything l did. After my Father-in-law died in his mid 50's, life seemed so cruel. I began to look at religion and started to see that all the wars and most of the problems in the world were one why or another to do with religion. Ok... that is a bit simplified and l am not that simple, that l believe it is that uncomplicated. But for example, at first glance..Northern Ireland is Catholic against Protestant, Iraq war is Muslims against the unbelievers, Jews against Arabs in Israel and so on. Yes there is a deeper reason in each of these situations but religion is in there no matter which why you cut the cake. Another thing that l find so wrong with the The Catholic faith, is its stand on the use of condoms, this simple command means people are dying because of Aids, woman are having too many babies and living in poverty, all because of this command from their churchl! The Pope, can tell men and woman what they can and can't do in their persnonal lives..he is not married, shouldn't have sex and has no children. What can he tell people about life, when he lives in such rich surrounding and has all his need catered for? You only have to look at most Cathelic churches, there is always gold, amazing cloth and so on and a large proporation of the people, that go to church are POOR. When l spent time in Guatemala, l was so upset to see all this money, that had been spent in their beautiful, richly painted and ornate churches and be surrounded by so much povety at the same time, makes no sense to me at all. you have little money and yet you give to your church! Madness in my mind!
Of course, as a Counsellor, my thoughts and believes do not come into my work. I am there to help people with their issues , l am not sayng it is always easy but l try very hard to keep them out of my proffesional life. I treat many people of all faiths and persuations and think l am fair and honest in my behaviour. I have met a few Counsellors/Therapists that only treat Christian couples and l respect that decision. A few of my clients are gay and l remember once being asked by a Cathalic friend of mine, how l could treat these people as their lives were so agasinst every that god teaches? We had, l am ashamed to say a very heated discussion and she never spoke to me again. Shame.
In my line of work, l am often asked how l deal people who self harm and am l not tempted just to tell them to stop seeking to be the centre of attention? I am glad when people ask this because it means l can start to educate them these issues. Self harming is not only about cutting, burning, biting and so on but body issues such as anorexia. The general public seem so uneducated on these subjects even though there is so much out there in the Media and the Internet! I wish that more doctors could spot these children/teenager/adults with self-harming earlier and send them to Counsellors, instead of saying in the younger person, "Oh they will grow out of it" and believe me l still hear this from parents all the time. The other problem is there isn't enough NHS counsellors to cope with all these adults and even less to deal with childreen and teenagers.

Anyway.....after my rant, l still hope you all enjoy your chocolate eggs and have seen some of your family or friends this weekend!xx

Divorce, with and without children!

2010-04-03T01:14:00.000+01:00

I don't know if anyone read my last two entries but l want to add something else to the discusstion. I have always thought that you have to work at marriage and if you do, you are less lightly to end your marriage in a divorce. A friend of mine, read my blog and said that no matter how hard you try to mend some marriages, they can't be mended. I do agree with this, but l also think that a lot of couples don't try hard enough and that divorce is just too easy. I personally think that a lot of couples go into their marriage with no thoughts about what being married means. To a lot of couples l have spoken to lately, it is the wedding that is all important and they have given no real thought to what marriage means other than they will be Mr and Mrs....from now on!. I don't want people to stay together if there is violence or mental abuse but on all other matters l feel more thought is needed . Romantic as it sounds, often just asking a couple the question "why did you get married in the first place?" often pulls couples up abruptly and starts them thinking rather than arguing for a moment!

During the first year, most couples go through a few months of honeymoon bliss, then the reality sets in and then the real marriage starts. If before the marriage, no thought was given to joint bank accounts, nights out with the mates/girlfriends, who does what in the house exactly now they are married...trouble starts! This is when the blindfolds come off and you have to start to be grown up, even if you are over 30! You would be amazed at how many couples have thought that their life will go on as before, even when children start to arrive!
One couple l helped had been married round about 5 months and had already started to have problems. ( I have permission from the couple to talk about this) They both worked in the city, earning good money but under a great deal of stress from these high powered jobs and were in their early 30"s. She had thought that they would start to try for children soon but her husband had other ideas. She felt her clock ticking, he suddenly felt tied down by the thought of children. Big rows, periods of no speaking and lots of tears and shouting. We talked about what they both "thought" they wanted from this marriage? This appeared to be the first time they had really sat down to talk about any of thiese issues. Not only had they not really come to any conclusion about children before their marriage, neither had they decided on childcare. For example, could they afford to have children and the wife stay at home? Do we have to put the baby into full time childcare or part-time care? Should we have an nanny instead? If the wife stayed home, could they afford the mortgage or would they have to downsize and so on. Eventually, after many sessions of joint therapy, lots of talking and tears, they solved their issues, moved to a smaller house, eventually had twins and went on to have a very happy marriage. This sounds like a fairy tale story but believe me, it took a lot of hard work, compromise by both partners, a trial seperate of 2 weeks and then they realised they loved each other enough to fight to make it work. They also admitted that it was not until week 9, that they realised that things were beginning to make sense. The couple also admitted that when they first came to me, they thought that l would help them to have a good divorce!
Sometimes, no matter how l try, some couples are so unprepared for marriage l can't help them. One partner decides that all the changes, should be done by the other partner. I am in my late 50's and in my generation, it was always expected, that women do all the housework, look after the children and sometimes go to work too. I hear gasps from people reading this but that was normal, l promise. gradually all this changed..thankfully...and l was lucky to have a reconstructed man! Unfortunetly there are still men who expect "their " women to do most of the "stuff' associated with the house. Before marriage they do their own stuff or their mother but the instant they are married, they stop! Housework is one of the biggest problems in marriage today, if the people who come to see me, are anything to go by!
Once this problems starts to rear its ugly head, other problems start to become an issue too. The funny thing is though, once this "easy" problem is solved, often marriages go on to be great.
When it comes to couples with children, then that is a different story. Life becomes more complicated and often quite nasty. If one partner has decided that they no longer want to be married, there will be a lot of individuals that are going to be very hurt and sometimes scared for life. There are some "good" divorces but very few that have no problems. When children are involved, things become even more complicated, no matter how you try to make it easier. People who are going through a divorce, are in pain, are angry and so many more emotions, that some times children get lost in the confusion. It is very important that children are given their chance to talk and say how they feel and this means, in my books, children as young as 3! They need to understand it is not their fault and that their parents still love them.
One family (again l have this families permission to talk about this family) l was seeing had 4 children ranging fro 8 months to 14 years of age. Each age needed handling differently. I always try to arrange to see the children by themselves, so they are free to talk about anything that is troubling them. This way they don't feel guilty about talking about their parents! Often children will think it is their fault their parents are breaking up and unless you help them deal with all their issues, it can effect their future relationships.
These children had been coping with all the arguements and physical fights that their parents were having for 3 years before they came to see me. The baby had been a last ditch effort to mend the marriage, never a good idea in most cases. There was a lot of hard work to do, to help these children firstly realise they were not to blame and neither was the new baby! They also need help to overcome the fear they had after seeing their mother being hurt by their father and the fact mum just let him. The eldest child was a boy and he had started to join in and try and stop his father. Anyway, eventually the divorce went through but the therapy will carry on for years for all of them, in one way or another. The point l want to make about this divorce is this. If this couple had come to therapy 3 years ago, there would be no new baby bought into an already deteriorating marrage, the children would have been helped and taught coping stratagies and have had someone to talk too. The last thing would be the wife, many not have had 2 broken arms, a twice broken nose, many broken ribs, so many bruises l could count them and lastly, her children would not have seen such violence at close quarters. O.K it isn't a perfect world but if more people thought about their children more often in these situations, l am positive their would be a lot less adults (those children) in therapy because of their childhood.

Divorce and hard work!

2010-04-02T01:08:00.002+01:00

After writing the other day, on shame and divorce, what should l read in my paper the next day? Yes, you are right, divorce and shame and why we are having so many? One of the comments that really shocked me, was when they started talking about a phenomenon, being calling "The Starter Marraige". What you ask, is a starter marraige? Well apparently Peacher's Geldof, Jordon and Cheryl Cole have all had one..in other words, a short lived marraige! The phase implies a fundimentally dismissive attitude to marriage. They consider marraige is not something that you go into for the whole of your life because people are living longer, is one excuse l heard the other day!!
A while ago l read somewhere, that a lot of young people marry because they are looking for security and stability. It appears that many of these " children " come from divorced parents and maybe they are trying to show that they can make their marraiges work! Unfortunetly a lot of these couples have an unrealistic expectations of what marraige is and what it takes to actually make it work. The media has a lot to answer for in this aspect l think!
Take Jordon for example, she announced her seperation from husband Peter Andre, then she was with her a new man within weeks, left him, then got engaged to him, married him and declared she wanted more babies soon...all within a year of her original divcorce! When people see celebrity couples marry and divorce, it doesn't seem to be a big problem. l heard someone say it seems realitivly easy, divorce is a right of passage and to this persons mind, it held no stigma!
Another thing that worries me, is that these young people don't seem to take time to mourn their loss before they move on to pastures green. Sometime in the future, all this will come back to bite them, if they don't sort out their feelings before moving on!
l personally think that one of the problems maybe, that women have been told "They can have it all". Scenario No.1......They get married, work, have children and maybe become "stay home mums" to look after the babiies, by choice. They start to feel they have lost their identity and their friends, who are still working, our rising in their companies, having fun and these woman feel they have been left behind.
Scenario No.2...... The woman who works, has babies and then goes back to work. Maybe by choice maybe because she has to because they cannot manage without her money. This woman has to cope with housework, children, work and being a mum and a wife! "They can have it all" stikes again!
There is still alot to be learnt about marraige and l think that unless we start talking to our young generation, about how hard marraige can be is in all honesty, we will keep on having marraiges that last only a few months to a year. Marraige is not a fairy tale, like Jordon's wedding day was, it is a combination of love, trust, talking, fun, hard work and give and take! Yes it can be hard work but anything that is worth having, is worth working for!..or so my grandmother used to tell me. My grandparents were married for over 60 years, my parents are coming up to 60 and l have been married over 37 years. None of us have had heart-ache free marraiges but you work through it, pick yourself up and try again. Always try and remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place! And take it from one who knows...you can fall back in love with your husband/wife, if you really want to save your marraige and carry on being a couplex

Divorce and Shame?

2010-03-29T00:53:00.000+01:00

I was reading an article the other day, about marriage/partnership breakdowns and how there is no shame attached to divorce these days. This got my little grey cells working and l began to think about why that should be or is it even true? The following notes are really my rambling thoughts on marriage, divorce and shame. I realise that every situation is different but here goes...
It so happens, recently I had asked one of my client, if she felt ashamed that her marriage had failed? She looked quite surprised, was quiet for a while and then answered, "No, why should l feel ashamed, l feel quite proud that l have been able to leave a marraige that was not working and free myself". I then asked her, who she had told about her divorce and how did she tell it? After a lot of discussion, she finally realised, she was ashamed her marraige had failed but wanted people to know it was not her fault. She is constantly putting her ex down and always explaining to family, friends and even the newspaper agent, that she tried but it was his fault it failed, not hers.
I think that a person has to face their shame, deal with it and then you can move on. If you stay ashamed that your relationship failed for what ever reason, you will find it very hard to move on and have other relationships. Shame is part of a divorce, facing that shame and dealing with it, is important and needs to be bought out into the open between the couple and dealt with. Saying you have or have never had any shame, means that there are problems you have swept under the carpet and are not dealing with.
In times past, the external pressures came from the family, the church and the community. In certain communities this is still the case. Divorce means defective in many people's vocabulary. In many ethnic communities, divorce is seen as a failure, bringing shame on the family and often the parents will try and keep it a secret. In Muslim families, often the girl/woman will have no where to go because both families will treat her as an outcast.
In less than a century, marriages that ended in divorce have gone from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 3 ( Yeo and Lovell 2004) I think that the breakdown of marriages/partnerships are due to many factors.
Young people these days, seem to have a much higher expectations of what marraige should be like. I personally think the media has a lot to answer for.
The fact that people are living longer has a lot to do with it too. People cannot imagine being with the same person for 50 years or more!
There is a greater equality between men and woman and l think this has caused more friction between the sexes. "Men or men and woman want to be both".... l once heard from a very angry judge!!
Women are more independant and have the ability to earn their own money because they can work out side the home, if they want to or circumstances force them to have to. The fact that there is childcare more freely available to women is another factor.
Also the introduction in 1949 of the Legal Aid Act meant that poorer families had access to the law to enable them to think about divorce and for it to be within their grasp.
Lastly, l am back to shame again. I think there is less shame in getting divorced because of the decline of religious beliefs and family and friends are not so hostile and so therefore neither is society on the whole.
Is this a good thing? yes and no!
Yes because people who are in a violent or abusive relationship can get out and receive help without the stigma of a failed marraige hanging round their neck.
No because l personally think divorce is too easy and people don't try hard enough to try and work together to put the marraige back on track. I am not saying it is easy but from personal experience l am saying it can happen. You can fall back in love with your other half, if you both want to and are prepared to work at it. Try and remember why you married in the first place. Tony and l have had are ups and downs but we have been married 37 years and are still very much in love. It is worth fighting for l promise.

Not sure l have all the answers but l think l have some of them and that is enough to work on!
Night folksx

Heart attack, fear and asking for help.

2010-03-17T23:24:00.000Z

Sorry l haven't posted lately but there has been a lot going on in my life! My son need help moving up to Rutland from London..that was some journey and all sorts of things happened. Go to http://chocolatelifeandjazz.blogspot.com
to see all the adventures! Then my gorgeous, sexy, wonderful, funny and special husband had a heart attack and my world came to a stop.

Luckily he is ok and waiting for his heart to be settled enough, so he can have his heart shocked back into the correct rhyme again! So my life was turned upside down and l have had to re-think my life. Hopefully, when Tony is ok again, we can go back to be happily enjoying his retirement and exploring our new life together.

One of the things that l have learnt from this eposide, is you have to remember we only have one life on this earth...so go for it while you have the chance people.
Something else l discovered, although my husband was ill, he was more worried about how l was and would cope if anything happened to him. I was totally lost, l just couldn't come to terms with the thought, he may not be here next day! My world was totally out of control and l was so surprised, as l thought l was tough! I have had to learn not to try and control my husband's life. He has had to learn his own limitations and l am there to support him, if he needed help. Most importantly, not to let him know how scare l was, just try and be my usual positive self!
This next image, is of Tony and l when we went up to Rutland, to see our son's house and check it is ok, while they are away travelling. It was our first trip since Tony became ill. I drove and we did non of our usual walks or investigating new places. We read books, watched tv and just relaxed. This image shows us snuggled up not because it was us being romantic..but because we were cold!Ha. Our son's house was so cold but we had fun!Ha! I was scared he was doing too much, but l had to trust himx

If anyone else is going through similar situation, do not be afraid or too proud to ask for help, from families, friends or proffesional help. Also if you need to talk..l am here.
One thing that help, as it usually does was my art and my journalling. If you have not tried art journalling, do..it is an amazing tool.

away over weekend in Rutland..having more adventures..see you Monday 1st Feb!

2010-01-29T23:08:00.002Z

away over weekend in Rutland..having more adventures..see you Monday 1st Feb!

Hi.

just to let you know that l may not be here over the weekend! We are moving my son and his wife to Rutland from London. Lets just hope it goes smoothly! see you soonxx

Art Therapy session at 4am!

2010-01-19T21:10:00.000Z

For the last 3 months or so, l have been having really bad nights because l am not sleeping...come 5am and l can then go to sleep...very weird! Hence during the day l am so tired and fight to stay awake, not good when you are trying to work as well. Anyway, the other night or should l say morning, l got up and decided to do a journal spread about being awake, tired, cross, dizzy, angry, frustrated, lonely and so much more! I did the writing and the sheep very quickly, then realised it was very childlike. I even painted it with a childlike movement. I didn't really realise this until l had almost finished. I don't particually like this image but l have done my own Art Threapy session at 4am in the morning! "Therapist heal thyself" comes to mind! Ha!

As you can see from this image , l am not a tidy worker! but l enjoy making a mess! Perhaps that's why my family say l really only 4 years old!!!!

As you maybe able to see, l wrote a lot about how l felt and how sleep wouldn't come and why people take sleeping tablets and get addicted to them! It would be sooooooo easy, especially as l have an additive personality! Then l decided, actually there were certain words that stood out and l found myself putting them inside circles..almost like thought bubbles, without really thinking about it!...and covering up all the other words.

This is just a closer view of some of the words you can still see.

The whole process of creating this was very theraputic and l hope it will help people to see Art Therapy is not how good your art is, it's the process that counts.

Fairy tales!

2010-01-14T00:38:00.000Z

I know this is a topic l have talked about before but please read on and you will understand why l am talking about it again.
I was under the impression that young girls were very aware these days, of how images were being altered in magazines and newspaper to make models and "famous" people, look thinner, have thicker hair or longer eye lashes. So you can imagine how surprised l was, to hear the young teenagers l was with last week, discussing how they didn't really believe that images were altered, or that TV ads were not always honest. So l asked them what they thought about Cheryl Cole 's advert, the one that told you how it had made her hair thicker. Did they believe it ? "Of course" they said. So l told them that her hair was made to look thicker with added hair extentions! They were shocked and replied "But that's lying!" So I asked them ihow much knew about Photoshop and video editing software to alter images? One or two of the 8 girls knew about Photoshop but thought you used it to make images bigger,brighter or move thing around.
If these intelligent teenages don't realise they are being fooled by TVand magazines....help! I know there are teenages that understand they are being tricked but l am worried by how many l meet, who still believe these fairy tales.
I was under the impression that schools were trying to overcome these body image problems..now l wonder if they really are? There are so many articles in magazines, newspapers, on the TV and also the radio but maybe we are not reaching the right people...the children rather than adults.
I know the success l had, when l showed boys and girls what Photoshop could. I know it is an expensive piece of software but it can be used in all sorts of ways not just in the Art Department. It seems a shame not to use it as an add-on to body issues as well. I think we have a time-bomb with too many children either becoming too thin or obese..isn't it time we tried harder to get through to the children rather than just adults?

Body issues, Photoshop, teenages and the media = confusion?

2010-01-13T00:19:00.000Z

Sorry l haven't been here for a while...Christmas, New Year, family death and snow!!! but l am back now. From tomorrow 13th January 2010 l aim to blog every other day or so and never leave it more than 3. So until tomorrow, when l will be blogging about body image and teenages. I know there have been a lot of newspaper and magazine articles, radio and TV programmes about these issues but having been working with teenagers lately, l have been shocked about how much they still don't understand or know about what people can do with photoshop tools!

The other subject l will be covering this week, is long marraiges and the subject of love. On that note, l will leave you with this quote l have just come across.

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."

~Mignon McLaughlin~.

Christmas Ramblings

2009-12-15T09:40:00.001Z

CHRISTMAS...

Everyone is stressed at christmas, some more than others but it effects us all. It means we have to find extra time to do things like arrange parties, buy presents, buy and send cards, buy more food , go and buy the tree and then decorate it and so on. You may have children which means, parties, presents, maybe making or buying costumes for the school play/plays and it just seems never ending. if you have more than one child, double or treble the amount of time you spend doing these things. Then there are the plans for Christmas day itself..food, booze and relatives do not mix! Any other time maybe but at Christmas..never!
Have you noticed in all of this l never mentioned Jesus or religion? That is what this festive time was meant to be about! I am not religious but l am spiritual and l sometimes think that we have missed the point. How many of you go to Church/Midnight Mass just at Christmas? As my children are now in their 30s we tend to treat Christmas as a time for families to get together and reinforce the family ties and traditions.
I suppose what l am trying to say is celebrate Christmas which ever way you want but work out a way to leave most of the "media made" stress out of it. By that l mean think about what you buy your family and friends. It is worth spending quality time on really thinking what they are like and what they would really want. So much "stuff" is sent to the tip or charity shop after Christmas because we bought without really thinking. I would much rather someone gave me a present which meant l had given to Charity then receive yet another bottle of bath salts or smelly soap. I think we have lost the meaning of present giving. Everything is done so fast that l think we waste a lot of money on junk just because it is Christmas!
I am not being an old misery really just think it is time we changed our thoughts concerning Christmas. Most people l talk to dread Christmas, spend money they cant afford and are more tired when they go back to work than before Christmas. I know it is a while ago but when my children were little we had amazing Christmas's. We had very little money and so we made everything from the wrapping paper, the presents and the cards. To this day my children talk about it with smiles on their faces and tell everyone what fun it was. We also made the day TV free apart from the Queen's speech. I know that children now are more TV minded but surely one day with no TV or computors wouldn't kill them?
Mums have a really hard time especially at this time of year because of all the extra things you have to make and /or organise. I think the word here is delegate! Divide the jobs between you and your husband, give the children jobs to do, no matter how young they are. Be prepared for everything before hand. Word of warning.....never start drinking, if you can help it before lunch. Christmas dinner and booze plus mother or mother-in-laws do not work. There is always going to be tension with other people in the house, especially if you don't get on well normally. Christmas is a time many couples split up because all the years tension seems to be released on Christmas Day!
Christmas should be about peace and thinking about others but some how it rarely ends up like that. To me if you have to worry about anything, first make sure the children are ok and keep the quarrels away from them. Not easy l know but children do take everything in, no matter how little they are and Christmas should be fun for them not a battle field they have to walk through.
So many families l see who are divorced or seperated have an issue over who the children spend Christmas with, how long they stay and who has them for Boxing Day and so on. It is SO important that the children feel safe and loved even more than usually. For the sake of the children, these things should be sorted out way before Christmas, so the children know where they will be and for how long and then they can enjoy themselves. Try not to make the children make the decisions until they are teenagers. Listen to them but make sure there is no pressure being applied by either parent. Even teenagers sometimes don't know what they want and are afraid of parents thinking they are taking sides. So help them by talking to them and not at them about how they feel about Christmas and what is happening.
One last thing. ENJOY. No matter what happens once Christmas Day is here..you can't change it...so find a way round it or through it and carry on. There is always next year!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

xxxxxxlynda

To go to Relate or not?

2009-12-08T21:03:00.000Z

There has been a lot of talk in the papers lately about the damage some Relate counsellors have been seen to do to couple who come for help. One person wrote that their Relate Counsellor seemed to take sides and caused more problems to their already crumbling marriage. Another said their counsellor just seemed so pessimistic, that they both ended up wishing they hadn't come, because now they couldn't see anyway to make things better. I must admit that l have heard a lot more unhappy stories about Relate than good ones. Personally l think people don't go to Relate early enough, they should go well before they have decided they need to seperate. To get help that actually works, l think you need to still be able to talk and listen to each other and be open to advise and suggestions. People often go to relate to help them sort out how to deal with the children and dividing up the home, rather than how to make the situation better, so divorce doesn't happen.
The Relate people are offering a good service and are genuinely there to help couples and families. Another problem could be, that these days, in a lot of places there are waiting lists because so many people require their services. This doesn't help as you can imagine. When you are in trouble and distressed, you need instant help and being told there is say a 10 week wait, can be very upsetting. You have made a big decision and then you have to wait. By 10 weeks your marraige could be beyond repair.
I am not saying seeing a Counsellor is any better but often we are able to see the wider story which involves the whole family. In my case, as well as a counsellor (also trainned in Marraige Guidance), l am also a qualified Nursery Nurse. This means, l am also very aware of the children's feelings where divorce or sepersation occurs. Also using Art, drama and or play therapy with the parents and the children often works better than just talking. Depending how far the problems have progressed, talking sometimes just isnt enough. Especially with children, when most of them feel they must have done something to have made all this happen in the first place... which we all know is certainly not the case.
I also feel, even if the parents have sessions with a Relate or other form of Marraige Counsellor, the children and the family may also need help from a counsellor to deal with the family as a whole.
When l got married in 1972, the thought of divorce never entered our heads, recently the couples l know in and out of therapy, talk about divorce and how long they think they may stay together as a matter of course. To me this is the wrong way round to think of marraige. i think that couples need to talk more before they move in together or marry. For instance one couple l met the other day, are about to be married in 5 months time. I asked them five simple questions.
1. Do or are you going to have a joint bank account?
2. Who is going to do the bills?
3.When and if do you want children?
4. Who is going to do the housework?
5. Is your wife going to carry on working if you have children or will you share?
They had not thought of any of this before l asked. It caused a huge row...they are coming to see me again next week!!!! They were just thinking about being together, none of the things that mean you can be together happily!

Thoughts..Making a thoughts book/chart

2009-12-03T22:42:00.001Z

Today l worked with one of my young client on a "Good and Worrying Thoughts" book. She will be keeping her chart everyday for a week, so we can start to see if or how her thoughts are controlling her everyday life. Using art to help to work out these problems, is a lot easier for children to deal with. No real pressure to talk but tells me all l need to know to start conversations off at a later date. It is fun to do and you often find the children talk to you about all sorts of things while they make their chrts and books.

Bullying

2009-11-21T01:47:00.000Z

Hi. I was reading the paper today and decided that someone reads my blogs and then uses it to write a newspaper article. Three times now subjects l have just covered, appear next day in the paper. Um... should l feel flattered or should l be angry, get off my backside and send these articles into a paper myself? Maybe l should add an another arrow to my bow and become a journalist!!!Thinks!
Anyway down to buisness. A few weeks ago, l met a woman, who's son is being bullied at school and is not getting any help. The primary school seems to be more concerned with apperances than the child's well being. This little boy, who is 8 is being bullied by 3 older boys and a girl...yes, l said a girl. Over the last few years, l seem to be dealing with girls more often. I have also come to the conclusion that girls can often be worse than boys. I do wonder what we have done to our children that some girls seem to have become so violent?
This little boy has done nothing wrong, doesn't seem to have an appearance that would make you understand why he has been chosen but he is bullied never the less. He has been at the school since he was 4 with these children and there has never been any trouble before. It just seems to have come from no where.
He has been punched, pinched, kicked, been spat at, his bag thrown over a high wall, his books ripped up and his hair pulled out. When the school were first told, the teacher said it was just the children playing a little rough. Then after the third time, the mum asked to see the Headmaster. It got a reaction but not one she had expected. The three children involve were questioned and said it was all a joke and they didnt mean to hurt him. They were told off and had to say "sorry" to the boy!
After this the mum decided to try and talk to the childrens parents. She tried and was told that they would report her to the police for harassment, if they didn't stop talking to the school and their children. This story is still on going. I have found out since, that the 3 bullies have told friends the reason why they bully this little boy. Apparently they think he is a goody goody and needs to be put in his place..this is roughly what they said! If they are like this at 10....what will they be like as teenagers?
It is or was Anti-Bulling week this week. There were many talks on the radio, T.V and workshops in schools. I am hoping this will get through to the people in charge and they will start to put "Anti-Bullying" Procedures into pratice. Fingers crossed. Perhaps if teavhers were given some control back in schools, they would be able to deal with bullies better.
The other phone calls to my consulting rooms, that have increased a lot lately, concern Work Place Bulling and Internet Bullying. Once again there sees to be quite a few cases on TV and Radio about both these types of Bullying. One of the things that actually worries me is the Bullying that goes on, on for example, Bebo and Facebook. Not knowing who is bullying you can be so hard to cope with. Also if a person is talked about within a small group, like a school group, is one thing...the world is a HUGE difference!
One case l was dealing with recently, was a 13 year old girl, who wouldn't have sex with her 14 year old boyfriend. In spite, he wrote about her on his facebook site, including a photo of her face super-imposed onto a nude. He said she had given him good head and certainly was not a virgin and all sorts of other unsavory things. This went to all his friends and to their friends and so on....thousands of people saw it before it was taken off. This poor girl tried to kill herself and has completly changed. Her parents are in the middle of moving because she has been totally traumatised and wont leave the house. It is going to take a long time for this child and her family to recover... if ever. The boy has been "told off" but in the eyes of his friends..he is a cool dude!
On the other subject, work place bullying is getting worse. It covers women who are being sexually abused by workmates or their boss. They are too frightened of losing their jobs to tell any one. There are older women who feel that they are for ever being treated unfairly because the boss wants to replace them with younger women. One parent adults, feel they have to work every hour they are told because they cannot loose their jobs. Then there are the men and woman who are being bullied because they are too fat, ugly, dressed funnily or they just don't fit in. There is also the sexual abuse suffered by both men and women. Why are people so angry these days and nasty to each other? There is so much stress in the work place and the world. I spend most of my working day, trying to help people learn how to relax and have less stress......l am very busy!
I could go on like this for hours...but l had better stop before l bore you all. Any way..Peace to you all and goodnight folksxlynda

After such an upsetting blog..here are some flowers to make you smile againx

BODY ISSUES AND OUR CHILDREN!

2009-10-28T01:59:00.000Z

I read the papers every day, partly because l have a need to know what is going on in my world but also to keep up to-date with the counselling world. The big issue that is worrying me lately is how girls and boys seem to be are worrying about their weight constently. l have been trying to turn childrens minds around from always thinking about diets to...just healthy eating. I have very slim young girls of 11 who are becoming scared to eat because then they will become fat and they will loose all their friends. L could cry sometimes when l see the frightened expressions on their faces when they tell me they are frightened of food because it will make them fat.
What has happened to our children? They are no longer allowed to grow up slowly and enjoy their childhood.. My children, a boy and a girl are in their early thirties and when they were young, you often heard the words "puppy fat" mentioned. For those of you who do not know the meaning of these words l will explain. Around the age of l suppose 8 to about 12 years of age, society expected children to put on a little weight. We called it "puppy fat" and it usually meant you were about to have a growth spurt in height. Also because children had loads of games at schoola and played outside more..it soon went in most children. We...as parents...kept a close eye on our children but never really made a fuss of it because it was known as a "phase" children went through. Admittdly some children kept eating all the wrong things and the "puppy fat" sort of stayed put!!
These days everyone,well most people, have scales in their houses and to my amazement seem to use them more than once a week. l have been asking loads of people about their weighing habits and am surprised to find that over 50% of these(l asked 60 people..men and women) use their scales at least 3 to 4 times a week! I was always taught that if you have to weigh yourself, do it once a week at the same time. I was finding people that weight themselves everyday and some twice! When did we become so weight conscious? I suppose, with all the TV and radio and mags coverage of what we look like..l shouldnt be surprised. I counted on the TV last night 12 programmes to do with what we look like clothed and naked, what we eat and fashion items on the size 0 debate! I want to say "Get A Life" but l realise that this is a very serious topic and we really need to change the way we deal with it. When a 4 year old asked me last week, "Lynda do l look nice it this, does it make my bottom look big?" and she was not joking..l decided l had a huge battle on my hands! O.K she has more than likely heard her mum say it but the fact that her mum tells me they talk about it endlessly round the dinner table as a serious topic....l really am worried. What ever happened to what we did at school today or l need a new pencilor art or penny has a new sister or l hate billy because he pulled my pigtails? Safe, simple childlike questions or even where do babies come from mummy BUT..does my bottom look big in this or if l eat that sandwich mummy l will get too fat..when you are 3 or 4 years old!!
Honestly l am not an old fashioned woman, l love challenging questions from children but ones that are so serious about their weight and the fear that goes with it..frighten me about what we are doing to our children. When an 8 year old female client of mine, who has started to worry about getting fat, was asked to describe how she saw a size 10 model in a magazine to me. Proceeded to tell me the woman was too fat because you couldn't see her bones very well...l reaslised we have a long way to go to re-educate our children on what is an exceptable body image.
Body Issues is a very difficult subject but one l think we really need to sort out in our minds. I have to admit l was quite happy with my body until after having my children..the dreaded tummy problem! I have also always had a large bust and have had problems learning to live with it. Do you know how at the age of 45 l learnt to deal better with my large bust? so silly but so simple. I was always told l was a 48c!!no comments please!! then one day my husband took me for a proper bra fitting.WELL..my world changed in 3 mins, l kid you not! l am apprently a 34GG (small back..large cup!) and suddenly l felt SO much smaller and thinner. Isn't the mind a wonderful thing!Ha!
I do understand how people have problems with their size, when l was ill and put on steroids l went up to a size 20!!! from a size 12, in 3 months. l eventually managed to get down to a size 14/16 but it took me at least 5 years to except l was smaller and could try on smaller cloths. Now at the age of 56..well for a further 4 days and a bit..l finally " fit my skin".
"FAT SCREWS WITH YOUR BRAIN"...... saw this slogen written in red paint on a wall in London...so true!
Below is a photograph my husband took earlier this year.A few years ago l would never have let my image be taken! A little like the tribes that think if you take their picture..you take their soul. Admitterdly l wasn't that bad but l felt l was not fit to be seen and was very uncomfotable looking at my own image. Now l know l am no raving beauty and certainly not a size 0 but l am proud of myself these days..and thats a plus!

a saying.......

2009-10-20T23:42:00.000+01:00

"Creative people are curious, flexible, persistent and independent with a tremendous spirit of adventure and a love of play." - Henri Matisse (1869-1954)

give children space and time to be themselves!

2009-10-13T23:36:00.000+01:00

today l saw a mum yell at her two and a half year oldish little girl because she wouldn't sit still in the coffee shop. OK l hear you say ..children should behave themselves when out.I agree but when you have been in the coffee shop for at least an hour... is it still fair to expect her to sit there quietly while mum talks to her friend and has her coffee? I think not! Children get bored and the best place for them is playing at home or outside. OK if you want to see your friends meet at home, in the park or some where they can play. Children need to be noisy sometimes, run and play..coffee houses are NOT the place for children unless it is for say 20 minutes or so!

Parents and nannies may think l am being unfair but it really is not fair to expect children and toddlers to be quiet in a "grown up" area! Our children are not accessories ...they deserve to have proper play times, time to children and be free!

I don't suppose many, if anyone will read these articles but l feel l have to write them..just in case someone reads them and it helps...then it would all be worth it!

2009-10-05T23:23:00.000+01:00

Today l met a lady who is addicted to Facebook and twitter and didnt realise she was until something dramatic happened this morning. She can not bear to not know what is going on with her friends and her contacts. She goes on to her computor for 2 hours before she goes to work at 8.30...she is on her i phone on the bus and the train....cannot bare to not be connected to "someone" all the time. When she gets home in the evening, she has the computor on to be connected to Facebook...phone for twitter and also she has the T.V on watching the soaps.

The reason she came to see me was because early this morning, she had her phone stolen and had a huge panic attack on Waterloo station..screaming and crying and totally out of controll. She was on her hands and knees throwing everything out of her bag and briefcase..all over the floor..trying to find her iphone... crying,screaming and having problems breathing. A policeman and railway staff eventually called an ambulance and took her to the hospital. All this because she had lost or had her phone stolen and couldn't contact anyone in " her world" and felt totally lost. The emergency staff treated her but she felt they were laughing at her all the time and couldnt take her seriously. Eventually she was sent home , but not before a nurse said to her, "I think you need to see a counsellor and or your doctor, you appear to have an addition to your phone and definitly need help".

Until this happened my client hadn't realised how she had become so attached to "being in constant with everyone all the time". She knew that if she misplaced her phone at home she had to find it to feel safe again but thought this was normal. Her friends tease her sometimes about her addition to "being in touch" with people but she never took it seriously until this morning!

I noticed the whole time she was talking to me, she was shaking and wrapping a tissue round and round in her fingers.

She had rung her doctors surgery and was given several private counsellor numbers....( not NHS as she felt she need to see some-one NOW and not have to wait to get an appointment in a few weeks time..sad but true.) She had only lost her phone for 5 hours and she was terrified how she was going to last until tomorrow when she could get a replacement.

Once my client had calmed down and drunk her tea, l helped her to start to see why she felt she had to be constently "connected" to people via phone/computor etc. In this particular case some of the reasons are because she feels if she doesn't know what her friends are doing..she may miss out on something they plan and dont include her. Of course it goes a lot deeper and will take a while to solve but if she wants to cure herself she can.

I think there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way. I know that some times when l forget my phone when l go shopping, l can feel two different feelings. One...l can suddenly feel very free and liberated by being out of contact from the "world". Two..sudden panic! What happens if someone in my family needs me because they are hurt or ill..what happens if a client new or old needs to contact me and l dont answer my phone... they will think l dont care or new client will be lost to me! Silly really when l have an answer phone but there it is....how could any one cope without me!Ha!

So if you are reading this...see if you can leave your phone at home or just start by turning your phone off for a few hours and...see how you feel.

sad!

2009-10-01T16:40:00.000+01:00

Hi,
I was talking yesterday about children and discipline ect and in today's Daily Mail(yes l know..but l also read the guardian!) there is an article from a mum who talks about the same subject. This lady has ten years between her second baby and the third and talks about the very big differences in the way parents view all forms of childcare these days. The main comments were about the fact that the parents she meets now are "oh so careful" as to not upset their little darlings in case they damage them and in the future will need therapy. She comments that you have to explain everything to them and don't say "that is bad but that is not good ". when telling them off. She agrees that you need to explain to the child why they cant do some thing but be firm not all apologetic for telling them off in the first place.
This particular article l think, springs from the case concerning the lady who killed her disablied daughter and then committed suicide, after years of bullying from local children. Because of this case there is a lot of media coverage and articles about ferral children and lack of parental/school control. Also, the story has broken the police are NOW there protecting the "feral" childrens family from attacks and death threats. Weird world we live in. I must admit l do think a lot of the time the law seems to be on the side of the would be attacker rather than the intented victim. l am not anti police but l do think things are becoming very mixed up theses days. For instance a dinner lady being sacked because she had told the parents about the real things that had happened to her daughter in school, not the simple schools story. The father who is being prosecuted because he pulled of local youths by their arms, when they were beating up his disabled young son. The young man ( around 13) the other morning on the bus when asked by an elderly man on crutches, if he could have his seat, was told in no uncertain tones.." Bugger off old man, l paid for my seat". When told by me that actually his ride was free and he was actually siting in a seat designated for the elderly, he replied..." Fuck off..who is going to make me move?" He did actually move, aided by me but it did not start my day off well. I did report this incident to his school and they were very unhelpful and almost said that what did l expect them to do? I rest my case!
I know that there are children and families out there that are polite, kind and law abiding but the few that are not make us forget the rest.

2009-09-28T22:51:00.000+01:00

Good evening to anyone reading this.
I listened to a radio 4 programme this morning and the first session was about the trouble teachers are having in school with disciple. One teacher said when she was at school in the 70's , if she was told by her teacher that her parents were being called in because of her bad behaviour...she shook in her shoes. These days if she tells a pupil off the child will reply, "ll set my mum on you".! Were did it all go wrong?... is a question l ask myself quite a lot lately. Not all children are rude or disrespectful to adults or other children but too many are.
I am not blaming parents solely...but...so many families these days have no rules, no guide lines and most important in my book...never sit down to eat together at least once a week. Sitting round a table eating with be the time children tell you about their day or news about them or their friends. It is a very special bonding time. After school tea- time is just as good for talking as is the evening meal. I do understand that a lot of parents work and so this isn't always possible. But one meal a week getting together to eat and chat is better than nothing, l promise you. Srart as young as possible and it will remain with the family for years to come. My family still loving coming home to have say..a Sunday Lunch together..special times.
Another problem l am consistently coming across in my practice , is the need for some parents to try desperately to become their child's/childrens best friend. This seems to make them reluctant to tell the child/children off ... just in case the child dislike them. By all means be friends but remember who is the adult and who is the child. Children need to know where the lines are. Even now, at 33 my son knows when he is about to cross a line and with smile and back off.
Never be frightened to tell your child off but it is best to try not to shout at them, stand in their space or if possible never to strike them. Remember ...always to explain to them what they have done wrong and what you are going to do about it. One very important rule to remember is...what was wrong today is wrong tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. Stick to your guns and that way children start to understand what the rules are. How can you expect children to know what is right or wrong in the way they behave if you change the rules all the time. Yes l know. It is hard to keep telling children off for the same thing day after day but it will work..l promise.
Start when they are young and it gets easier as they get bigger..and then there are the teenage years..well that's another topic for another day!
Good night.

shame on me!

2009-09-16T21:37:00.000+01:00

Oh dear..l have discovered that l am one of those people who always starts of the year with good intentions and a few New Year Promises..and then ...RARELY keep them. L am so ashamed of myself. Here it is 16th September 2009 and l have not done one write- up on this blog! My only excuse is that my therapy business has taken off, my art is coming on well and l have had my son's wedding this which l was very involved in! sorry!!
l have decided that perhaps if l record a video every so often it will be easier than sitting and writing what l think. As people who know me..l dont find talking very hard!!!! so if l can work the video upload ..l will start tomorrow! fingers crossed!

2009-01-20T19:11:00.000Z

Happy New Year for 2009!
From now on, this counselling site will be updated each week. l hope to cover issues that have appeared in the press, tv or l have heard on the radio...in fact anything that interests me, made me laugh, become angry, or sad; or an article that has made me think. But basically every thing to do with children, women and families.
2009 is going to be a very difficult but interesting year l feel. So anything l can do to make peoples lives easier..l will try and do!
Please feel free to add any comments to this blog or email me at elemaitch@yahoo.co.uk.

2007-12-09T19:54:00.001Z

Sunshine and Smiles!

As the weather is being really miserable and dark at present..l am finding mornings very difficult. Get up in the dark and then finish work in the dark! Not fun. As a therapist l see lots of people with SAD....in other words don't like this dark weather syndrome!!!!!!!
So l thought..ok how do we cheer ourselves up and go out and face that awful dark morning folks.?
Then...this weekend l was up in Yorkshire visiting my mother-in-law and saw these wonderful things. Fancy waking up in the morning, cold, dark and feeling miserable and then walking into the kitchen and....WOW...sunlight.
May be we could get these on the NHS...for depressed and sad patients!!! Happy eating.

pregnant mums and care

2007-12-03T16:54:00.001Z

Hi everyone!

I have had a lot of pregnant mums contacting me lately because they are so scared of going through labour with no help...as reported by the national newspapers. People know that l used to be a birth partner and that maybe as a Therapist, as well l could help with hints and tips etc.
So, l decided to do some inquiring and see what was going on. I must admit l didn't like what l found. When l was a Birth Partner over 5 years ago, l was worried because women didn't seem to be getting the care before hand and the birth was very hit and miss. What l have found out since really shocks me. It appears that a lot of women are not able or don't find time to go to Birthing Classes before hand and that many women spend many hours on their own in labour as there are not enough midwives to go round.
Many women l talked to said there either wasn't a Birthing Class in their area, the classes were full or they couldn't get time off work each week to go or they didn't think they would need one! I also found many women not bothering to find out much because it is alright they will have an epidural!! So if for some reason they can't have one or they arrive too late to have it...they don't know how to breathe correctly or how to use the gas and air the right way to benefit them. They don't know what to do, so therefore their partners don't either and every one is stressed and frightened by the situation.
Child Birth is painful but you can be taught to cope with breathing etc. if your partner feels confident, he is happier...therefore a bonding and loving birth can be achieved! No this is not a fairy tale, l have seen and been part of many a happy birth. It all depends on the attitude of Midwives, confidence of couple and atmosphere in the room.

A great deal can also be done to help you be more relaxed before and after the birth by arranging to have a freezer full of cooked food. Enables dad to feel confident about feeding you all and you can relax knowing you don't have to do anything. You can either do this your self in advance or you can be very clever and go to "Cook" find their website address in my resources page on my web site www.elemaitch.co.uk
You can maybe have a Baby Shower were everyone brings you a dish or two to put in your freezer. Another way is to get excited grandparents to full the freezer for you as a baby present. Or you could always do it yourself...this is plug l know for this company but l feel their home cooked food is fab. There baby food is also really handy to have too. End of plug! More tips in a few days.

2007-11-14T15:20:00.001Z

If you are feeling down..here is some thing to make you smile and think that good things do happen in this world!

A five-year-old boy dressed in a Spider-Man suit became a real superhero in Brazil when he saved a baby girl from her burning home.

While playing in his back garden with a friend, Riquelme Maciel spotted smoke coming out of the wooden house's windows and ran to tell the baby's mother, Lucilene dos Santos.

But Ms Santos was too afraid to enter the blaze, so it was down to young Maciel to step in and save the day - he rushed into the burning house and grabbed baby Andrieli from her cradle.

The Fire Department Chief Jose de Macedo praised the boy's bravery, and much like his hero Spider-Man, Maciel became the talk of the town.

His face made it to the cover of all the local newspapers and he no longer needs the red and blue costume to be recognised.

Maciel said he is now dreaming of becoming a fire-fighter so he can save more lives.

2007-11-10T22:06:00.000Z

I had a very interesting conversation with a lady in a Coffee Shop the other afternoon, over the meaning of "Normal".

What is normal?

Oxford English Dictionary: • adjective 1 conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

Does that help?

I have always been told l'm different, not normal, quirky and way out! All because l am artistic or because l didn't and don't follow fashion etc....! I was once told l didn't fit into any of the expected Boxes!!! What boxes l wanted to ask, l was about 8 at the time. The best piece of advice l was ever given concerning boxes was from an Art Tutor at college. She told me that as long as l thought out of the box l'd be o.k but if l started to conform and tried to fit inside this "box"...l'd fail. GOOD ADVICE. If you are a star shape or oblong... how can you fit in a square box? So l suppose l don't fit the norm expected of "A Therapist"... but that's o.k because what does a therapist look like? how do they talk etc. I wear 2 different earings, my hair is longer on one side than the other...need l go on ?.......Still no wiser to what "Normal" really means!

Did you know that 1 in 4 of us will have some sort of mental illness in our life time? I feel that we are all individuals, so how can a person with mental heath problems be treated the same as the next mentally ill person? o.k. you can have the same label but act differently. That is why l think each person should be able to have a therapist that suits them. Unfortunately in the NHS that isn't so easy. There are not enough Therapists to go round and not enough money to help either.
We are a Mulit Cultural society and l think that must cause problems too. From my own life experiences l know how different people are from region to region let alone country to country. So finding a Therapist that understands your rituals, language etc is often difficult. As a person who say ...has anxiety problems..seeing a Therapiste who doesn't understand your culture or language puts even more pressure on the poor patient. I don't speak other languages ...but...hand jestures and using Art often gets over the language barrier. I lived and worked all over the world and been lucky enough to be able to study many cultures. I also know how difficult it is to be ill in a strange country and not to be able to explain how you feel because you don't have the words. Any form of Mental Health problems is distressing, add language and cultural differences on top and life gets very difficult indeed.

Positive thinking!

2007-10-31T17:55:00.001Z

SMILE

I have decided to- day is the first day of Summer...l kid you not! There is enough gloom and doom around these days to make everybody sad! So..sunglasses on everyone, sun hats at the ready and pour yourself a large one! No ...the drugs for my flu haven't take over..l am trying to be positive!!!

Strange word that positive. Not many people use, or they use it as in "not" positive. If at least 10 mins a day you try to have a positive out looked on problems and life...could make your day seem quite good.

For instance..."It is so dull and wet today!" instead.."It is rainning and miserable but at least the ducks are happy!!! " OR

"Dam the post came to day and my card isn't there"..instead "No post today..hurray no bills!"

See what l mean??!!

SO......thought fot the day...Always take your weather with you!!!!!!

been busy..sorry!

2007-10-21T01:33:00.001+01:00

Sorry it is a long time since l blogged on this site! I have been working very hard trying to get my counselling services up and running. that is now up and running..so l intend to try and write something on here every few days. In the mean time....went to Tate Modern today to see "The Crack" every one is talking about. Will discuss tomorrow..but here are a few images to keep you interested. Also what do you think of Tate Modern and do you think places like this are great to get children interested in Art? And...do you think they should get help from tax payers and the National Lottery??? talk late. Oh!!!! appears l can't upload images to-night..the site won't let me..do it tomorrow.

2007-09-14T21:12:00.000+01:00

Stressed Mums.

Today in the newspaper, there is a lot more news on the McCanns missing daughter Madeleine. If there are any mums reading this please take note! In the mother's dairy she wrote how hard she was finding the daughter and the twins!!! Wow! Breaking news! Most mothers find looking after children is often stressful and tiring...especially if they are also working. Also bare in mind it is a daughter and twins in a very short space of time!!!
The myth of "beautifully calm and joyful" motherhood is one that still seems to be well and living in the minds of newspaper men! Babies and children are hard work but wonderful at the same time. When one writes a dairy it is normally to get rid of your frustrations, so you don't take them out on others or because you feel unable to tell anyone how you feel.Maybe because you feel guilt, others may have told you ,you won't cope because you are too old or young or may be you are worried that social services may hear and also think you are not coping! Either way...dairies are normally private, personal and a help to feeling more in control. O.K. sometimes it is a cry for help but in this case l feel it was a way of sorting out her feeling.

Mothers are often trying to be perfect in the World's eyes. A perfect wife, a perfect mother, a perfect daughter and daughter-in-law, a perfect friend and be perfect at their job. Even if you are not working that is still quite a list. On top of that many women are having to cope as lone parents. It's no wonder these days women feel so pressured. I see many women and couples in my practice that are finding day to day life stressful and this is effecting their marriages, home life and Ask for help! I am aware that so many people live away from their families or even their own countries. If you feel you are unable to talk to family members, community nurses of friends...try a counsellor or therapist..talking is a start!.

2007-09-14T20:39:00.000+01:00

I have found out through my work as a therapist, Life Coach and photographer... life can be fun...if you are prepare to let it! By that l mean life is complicated enough with out human's trying to make it harder. Money is often the reason people are not happy. Believe me money is very useful but not always really the answer. You can spend time with your partner and or children with out spending any money. A walk or a visit to gallery or museum. O.k l know the not every one lives near a park or a gallery but there are other things. What ever happened to playing games after dinner or in the afternoon or just going for a walk to pick conkers? I have just been listening to some 30something women talking about how much they spent in this Summer holiday! I was amazed. Even if you are working, spending time with the children on days off or wkends should be quality time not MONEY time surely!I have had children, so l do know how difficult it is to find free things to amuse them with. On the other hand, if they don't learn how to amuse themselves..we, as a nation are really in trouble. I think this is already happening. Bored and unmotivated children spell trouble.
It was different when my 30something children were young but just as difficult. Now there are Breakfast Clubs, After School clubs, Dance classes, mini yoga,Art classes and Saturday Clubs..when do children see their parents? O.k l hear all you working parents shouting at me! But honestly is "Keeping up with the Jones" )in some cases), is it worth you not seeing your children's childhood? I appreciate there are a lot of parents out there that have no choice but to the others...think about it Please.

2007-08-26T23:32:00.000+01:00

Question: Is this self harming? I am having a discussion with another counsellor/therapist who thinks it is. I tend to think of it, as showing your individuality, wanting to be different. O.k...sometimes it goes deeper than just decoration and into more complex issues but on a day to day basis ..it is also Art and / or Fashion!
Can l have some feed back on this...if anyone is reading this?

What is this Blog about?

2007-08-26T22:46:00.000+01:00

Hi!
I am going to use this blog to talk about,rant and discuss issues relating to emotional and mental health.The World Health Organization has just reported that by 2020 Depression will be the second biggest health issue after Heart problems.As a Counsellor and Coach l deal with children, women and families covering such issues as Depression, self-harming, divorce issues and sexual assault. Oh! l hear you saying "Heavy stuff"! Well... l am going to try and make this site fun as well as serious...l hope!